Doing My Part

I did very little conventional work on the California No on 8 campaign last year. It was partly that I was in New Jersey for most of the campaign season and so it was difficult to do any volunteer work that involved a physical presence, but I was also, I must confess, lazy and complacent. I didn’t think it was worth donating to the campaign, I thought Prop. 8 would probably fail, and I also didn’t (and still don’t) believe marriage to be the most important LGBT issue worth fighting for. But when Prop. 8 passed, I felt pretty damn guilty. There’s no question I should have done more, that outreach to my Facebook friends wasn’t enough. The one-on-one conversations are a great tactic (if you haven’t talked to your friends and family about LGBT rights, get the hell on that!), but they still need to be coupled with traditional methods of political action for political campaigns to succeed.

And so I won’t be making that mistake again. I’ve decided to make a small donation—what I can afford—to the Maine No on 1 campaign, which is in a similar position to that of California’s No on 8 a year ago. I doubt that what I can afford to give will make a great deal of difference to what Stand for Marriage Maine is able to achieve, but it’s a symbolic gesture, and a wedge I can use when I encourage other people to take action, to volunteer or to donate what time or money they have.

But I also don’t want to get too sidetracked by distant battles: in New Jersey sometime between November (the gubernatorial election) and January (when the winner will be sworn in), marriage equality is going to come to a vote in the state legislature. Gov. Corzine has said that he will sign a bill—now the legislature needs to pass it. And you can bet I’ll be calling and writing my representatives; you can bet I’ll be doing what I can from my position on campus to support getting that vote through the legislature—and if it involves fighting NOM, so much the better! I know we can win.

I still have a lot of regret that marriage became the flashpoint issue for LGBT equality in this country, and that the culture war battle has come to center on assimilation, not something more radical. If there was going to be a fight anyway, I wish my predecessors had decided to go for broke. But they didn’t, and we have these state-by-state marriage battles now. That means we’ve got to work with what we’ve got. We’ve got to engage this issue head-on. We’ve got to use marriage as a jumping-off point to teach acceptance of all people, all relationships, all families, all children, all kinds of love. We’ve got to take advantage of this conversation, and from there move on to safe schools, hate crimes, employment discrimination, tax code, immigration, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and oh my god so many other things. When we let measures like Prop. 8 or Maine’s Measure 1 pass, we’re robbing ourselves of the ability to control those conversations about everything else. Even if some of us are not so crazy about the whole marriage thing, it’s a symbol to a large percentage of this country of something very meaningful. And if it will help get things done, I’m okay with rolling with that.

I’m so totally primed for battle. Let’s do this shit.

In Which I Get Defensive About Princeton

The higher ed blogosphere has said most of what needs to be said about the latest take on the college-rankings phenomenon, GQ‘s “America’s Douchiest Colleges” list. But something I think hasn’t been mentioned is that this list, like most of the other rankings out there, probably wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for pre-existing stereotypes that get reinforced year-in, year-out about America’s most name-recognizable colleges.

While I’m aware that going where I’m about to go may only serve to undermine my entire argument, the only way I know how to discuss this is by speaking to my experience. So.

Take, for example, my college. I go to Princeton, which has a high level of name recognition. It’s been around for a while, and it’s got a reputation among most constituencies you ask about it. Among people who write college rankings, and people who pay attention to them, Princeton is hard to get into (you have to be smart, and have high test scores, among other things), and its alumni get access to high-paying careers on the basis of that aforementioned name recognition. These are things some college applicants want out of a university (the prestige of selectivity, a financial return on the tuition investment), and this popular perception influences why Princeton continues to score highly on metrics like those used by US News and Forbes, and why other universities will rate Princeton well in the all-important US News peer surveys.

Many other people who perceive this exclusivity and elitism see it as a bad thing. They criticize Princeton for being “preppy,” for privileging further the already privileged, and for reinforcing a culture that’s desperately out of sync with “real” America. Some of these people who are critical do have an accurate picture of things that could be improved upon to further diversify Princeton, or to change the ways its admissions and financial aid policies operate to make things more equitable. There are huge improvements to be made in this regard: for example, one recent survey of students’ backgrounds and attitudes showed that those who come from financially well-off backgrounds are much more likely to join eating clubs, which are a central aspect of mainstream Princeton social life. That’s a problem—and, it should be noted, the university administration is working to fix it by offering financial aid that makes it no more costly to join an eating club than to opt for a university dining contract. (For the record, though I disapprove of the eating clubs that choose their members by a selective, competitive process, I don’t see a problem with the ones that use a nonselective process. However, I don’t plan to join one—nothing on them, they’re just not my scene.)

But some of those who are critical of Princeton’s privileged reputation aren’t citing statistics. Some of them, like GQ, are making lame jokes about Princeton’s supposed “douchiness.” I have no idea if I spelled that word right, but it’s an accusation that tends to put me on the defensive, because that perception is not in keeping with the Princeton I know. The Princeton I know—the Princeton I chose to attend only after I realized what it’s really like—is led by the mind-bogglingly progressive administration of Shirley Tilghman, the university’s first woman president, who has done more to take Princeton away from its 1940s and ’50s-era reputation as a Southern gentlemen’s club than anyone else in Princeton’s history. Since women were first admitted in 1969 (40 years this fall!) Princeton has been steadily changing for the better and the more progressive, and now in particular its official positions certainly cannot be said to be problematic. If there are “douchey” elements of the Princeton student culture (and there are), they are no more representative of the student body than birthers, deathers, and tenthers are of the American political spectrum. Certainly, Princeton’s douche factor is no more extreme than are those of other well-regarded private research universities like Harvard, Yale, Stanford, or the University of Chicago.

There is no reason that I should feel more embarrassed by the name of my university than my friends who go to other famous universities should. And there is no reason that I should be stopped (as I have been time and time again) after I tell someone where I go to school so that they can say to me, “You don’t seem like the Princeton type.” My own nerdy intellectual bent and investment in my coursework above all else, my passion for writing and verbal expression, my commitment to causes outside the university walls, and my investment in making Princeton a better and more progressive place are reflected in the policy decisions of the Tilghman administration and in my classmates, friends, and professors. I have to conclude that I am someone who belongs at Princeton. And by acknowledging that, I’m not implying a negative assessment of my character, either.

“Conventional wisdom” is a popular trap for this country’s discourse to slip into, particularly in the mainstream media, which perpetuate quite successfully a lot of myths that, when they don’t involve stupid things Republicans have done recently, do occasionally involve colleges with well-known names. It’s hard for me to counter these myths, when saying the name of my college and speaking from my personal experience automatically renders me an unreliable witness. People prefer narratives that criticize these institutions, so that they may be validated in their previously-held opinions that these institutions aren’t worth the hype. But I’m holding out hope that, as Princeton continues to lead its peer institutions in setting policies that make an unrivaled undergraduate education accessible to anyone who’s qualified, the university name will cease to be a source of shame, or an indication that its bearer is somehow undeserving.

NOM, With Added WashPo and Waugh

The LGBT blogosphere is so used to calling out homophobia and transphobia that it can often seem a bit knee-jerk and hysterical, but to my mind, last Friday’s outburst over a Washington Post profile of National Organization for Marriage executive director Brian Brown was entirely justified. As I said in a response at Campus Progress:

What is most disappointing—and disturbing—about the Post’s profile of Brown is the degree to which the writer, Monica Hesse, fell hook, line, and sinker for NOM’s marketing in its entirety. Hesse positively fawns over Brown, saying that in contrast to “the people who specialize in whipping crowds into frothy frenzies, who say things like ‘Katrina was caused by the gays,’” Brown speaks to a “country [that] is not made up of people in the far wings, right or left, [but] is made up of a movable middle, reasonable people looking for reasonable arguments to assure them that their feelings have a rational basis.” Hesse seems to have missed that fighting against same-sex marriage becomes a more and more unreasonable position as the public warms to it. The idea that Brown’s cause is rational is just a tactic: it’s exactly what he and other social conservatives want the public to think.[…]

Brown believes that because Western civilization has historically not recognized same-sex marriages, they shouldn’t have a place in our modern legal system. (As Stephanie Coontz writes, what’s actually most common in Western civilization’s history of marriage is polygyny, not monogamous heterosexual marriages.) The comparison means little when you factor in differences among regions, time periods, and cultures. But Hesse rolls with this flawed understanding of the glorified tax status that is marriage in the 21st-century United States, developing in its modern form fairly recently.

The Post’s profile does not hide the fact that Brown is a devout Catholic (like many of the crusading conservatives, he converted as a young man while studying at Oxford). In doing so, it gives away the tried-and-true tactic Brown is using—placing a dummy wall between his Catholicism and his “family values,” which he tries to defend on other-than-religious grounds. The modern social conservative movement uses supposed “logic” and “reason” to advance arguments which have traditionally been presented on religious grounds. Princeton Professor Robert George, chair of NOM’s board of directors, does the same thing with his arguments, using his distinguished academic pedigree and his debate skills to distance his social conservatism from his ardent Catholic faith.

Read the rest—and I mean it; I don’t usually self-promote unless I actually like what I’ve written.

A lot of stuff was going through my head as I sorted out why I actually do feel outraged by the way the Post treated this profile of a man who is far from moderate or reasonable. It wasn’t just that Brown, who dropped out of a UCLA history PhD program, was claiming that this background gave him license to pronounce authoritatively upon the legacy of Western civilization, and I felt offended on behalf of proto-historians everywhere. It wasn’t just that I felt offended on behalf of queerfolk everywhere. It wasn’t just that I continue to feel that the existence of NOM besmirches the name of Princeton, NJ.

I read, and watched the Granada television adaptation of, Brideshead Revisited this summer, and liked it so much that I’ve had it on the brain since. I find myself coming back to it when I think about the ways in which Brown and the other NOMites either call attention to or try not to call attention to their religion—often, specifically, their Catholicism. In Brideshead, Catholicism is for the Flytes (the aristocratic family central to the plot) at times a piece of social positioning, a networking tool that means being friends with monseigneurs and curates and other English Catholics; and at times it is an intensely private and deeply-held conviction that seems irrational to those who don’t subscribe to it, but is the natural order of things for the believers. And I can’t resist reading the novel as suggesting that, whatever homosexuality meant in the English 1920s and ’30s, it’s part of what Sebastian Flyte is struggling with within his tortured guilty Catholic conscience, part of what drives him away from his family and which propels his uneasy relationship with his religion.

In Brideshead, the family’s religious beliefs are the plot wedge, but it could conceivably be something else—and in 2000s America for people like Brian Brown, being Catholic is not the same as it would have been in inter-World Wars England. For one thing, being Catholic is just not as markedly incredible here and now as it was there and then. But I am struck in both cases by how dogged trust in a faith doctrine persists, even in the face of what seems to those who don’t have that faith as the most unassailable evidence that, for example, prejudice just isn’t in anymore, whatever Leviticus or your own personal brand of non-Biblical logic may have to say about it.

Okay, yeah, the Brideshead thing was a totally tenuous connection, and I’m not quite sure why I drew it in—except to say that this kind of fervor (whether it’s religiously driven or not) remains to me, as it does to the non-Catholic characters in Brideshead, a deeply incomprehensible thing. I find myself continuing to wonder in all these cases to what extent it’s actual devotion, and to what extent it’s a cultivated social pose.

High School Movies

There’s something about high school movies (and TV shows, and books) that captivates the American imagination. Even when I was in high school, I would stay up late into the night, taking out my frustration at not being allowed out after midnight by watching my illegally-downloaded copies of The Breakfast Club and Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I longed to become the Stoner or the Popular Girl or even the Goth, one of the characters who had awkward, furtive early sexual experiences or who appeared to roam a small Midwestern town unsupervised. Or, at least, I could have been one of the characters who had a car. Like so many other high school misfits, I knew where I really did fit in the stereotyped class strata: I was the Nerd, plain and simple, and I knew that, according to my favorite movies, such a status relegated me to a lifetime of loneliness and misery. The movies gave me hints for how to change, and for a time I did, trying on a few of the other labels. I watched Freaks and Geeks, and I identified ridiculously closely with the protagonist of that show, who copes with her misfitedness by joining a group of kids who don’t try especially hard in school, but who are exciting because of it, and who are silly and into music and put up with a little social awkwardness. That story, in fact, became not dissimilar from my own high school experience. And while you can’t ever shed a label like “Nerd” once you’re given it, and when it’s been yours for over a decade, I certainly tried pretty damn hard.

But when I got to college, as this blog no doubt indicates, I embraced “Nerd” for all it was worth; I embodied it and owned it. Unlike in the movies, I decided, Nerds do have productive and fulfilling lives, and it’s okay to be better at school than social relationships. It’s not a curse, at any rate, the way it is on celluloid. So now I deal with high school media a little differently: when I rented Clueless from iTunes to watch on a plane last week, or made my way through Skins on Hulu last school year, I spent every second of the movie or the episode with fingers crossed, hoping that the characters would suddenly decide not to adhere to their stereotypes: that the romantic subplot would not work out happily ever after, that the gay character or the black character would provide more than just comic relief, that the naturally pretty characters would not be made over into stylized, painted caricatures, ’80s hairdos and all.

Of course, it never does work out that way, and that’s the beauty of high school movies and part of why, I think, they’re so engrossing to those of us who have, quite definitely, moved on—physically, anyway. As I myself try to psychologically process the weird world that high school was, and to understand why things worked out the way I did, I do find myself looking to the movies and their truisms. If I had changed the way I look, I could have had a more lasting romantic relationship. If I hadn’t tried hard in school, I would have had more fun. If I had been more prone to making bad jokes, or indeed if I had conformed better to gender roles, I would have had more friends.

I obviously don’t really wish those things, and I obviously know the difference between cinema fiction and reality—where it is possible for a Nerd to lead a fulfilling life. But high school is this imaginary halcyon time, when we were all supposed to be happy, and yet—I am increasingly beginning to suspect—none of us were.We were all tortured by our own individual adolescent dramas and traumas—and whatever stereotype we ascribed to ourselves, we never embodied it as fully as characters on-screen do. We all look to them for the elusive promise of what could have been, what happiness and self-confidence we could have accorded ourselves. But high school being what it is, and the surreality of film being what it is, it will never come. We might as well get on with being who we are, and with taking solace from the knowledge that life really does get better when you have your diploma in hand.

QOTD (2009-08-28)

Sarah Palin sounds like she’s taking a leaf out of the Passover seder script:

FOX News’ Glenn Beck is doing an extraordinary job this week walking America behind the scenes of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and outlining who is actually running the White House.

Monday night he asked us to invite one friend to watch; tonight I invite all my friends to watch.

Reminds me of such tried-and-true favorites like, “This year, not everyone is free. Next year, may everyone be free,” and “On all other nights, we eat sitting upright, but tonight we eat while reclining.”

I had no idea the ex-governor was of the Hebraic persuasion.

Parenthetical of the Day

Yes, we are going to stretch this “of the day” thing as far as we possibly can, goddammit. Anyway, from the Chronicle of Higher Education, in an article about yet another series of rankings, which uses suspect methodology to grade colleges’ gen ed requirements:

Those rules were necessary, Mr. Azerrad said, because narrow and esoteric courses do not give students a solid grounding in culture. “Colleges pay lip service to the idea of general education,” he said. “In practice, however, when you look at their actual requirements, they’ll have very broad distribution requirements. If you look at Dartmouth, for example, they have a literature requirement. So you might say, Why is ACTA complaining? Well, it’s because there are 300 courses that you can take to fulfill that requirement, including ‘Digital Game Studies.'” (The Chronicle could not immediately verify that point. In Dartmouth’s online course catalog, “Digital Game Studies” appears to be one of the few English courses that does not fulfill the literature requirement.)

Reader, I lol’d.

I would also like to state, for the record, that I am on a bus in the middle of a torrential downpour on Route 1 somewhere in the vicinity of New Brunswick, NJ. It’s been quite the day, though admittedly made all the better for the above-quoted set of parentheses.

Status Update

By the time you read this, I’ll be headed out of DC on a 36-hour journey consisting of travel on seemingly every conceivable method of transportation (bus, train, subway, airplane, car, boat…) that is, eventually, going to get me here—a fairly remote island with irregular internet and other Outside World contact. And I’m thrilled about this, because it’s my vacation, a concept I haven’t really appreciated fully before and am now very excited about.

Instead of reading the news, I’m going to read queer theory, mid-20th-century magazine journalism, and trashy novels. I’m going to hang out with my family. I’m going to sleep a lot. Maybe I’ll finally write a short fiction piece, which is one of my as-yet-unfulfilled goals for this summer.

I’m going to return to the real world on September 13, when I’ll arrive back on campus and get ready for the new school year. But until then, I will probably not be blogging or checking too much email or Facebook. I do have cell phone service, so I’ll probably post the occasional tweet from my phone, but that will be strictly one-way communication. If you desperately need to reach me, I’ll respond to emails, etc. with about a two- or three-day lag time.

See you in September!

NOM NOM NOM

Regular readers may be aware that one of my favorite pastimes is making fun of the National Organization for Marriage—their national headquarters is across the street from the building where I eat two meals a day during the school year, and so I consider them and the hate they spread a particularly ridiculous affront to my day-to-day existence.

Maybe I should be more careful about bullying people who can’t defend themselves, though, because they just make it so easy. Take, for example, the latest: a post by Maggie Gallagher, NOM’s president, at the National Review‘s blog. Gallagher lists “Five Predictions about Gay Marriage”:

1. In gay-marriage states, a large minority people committed to traditional notions of marriage will feel afraid to speak up for their views, lest they be punished in some way.
2. Public schools will teach about gay marriage.
3. Parents in public schools who object to gay marriage being taught to their children will be told with increasing public firmness that they don’t belong in public schools and their views will not be accomodated [sic] in any way.
4. Religous [sic] institutions will face new legal threats (especially soft litigation threats) that will cause some to close, or modify their missions, to avoid clashing with the government’s official views of marriage (which will include the view that opponents are akin to racists for failing to see same-sex couples as married).
5. Support for the idea “the ideal for a child is a married mother and father” will decline.

I am struck by two issues here, which I think actually typify fairly accurately the discourse of the fringe right: in the first place, some of Gallagher’s points are just wrong, or at least predictions that will almost certainly not come to pass. In the second place, some of her predictions are likely to come to pass, but if they did, it would be a great thing for all concerned. I strongly doubt that points 1 and 3 will ever happen, because no one—and I mean no one treats social conservatives that way. Our society and our political framework positively bend over backwards to accommodate them and their views, no matter how much in the minority they may be or how outlandish their views. This has been the case since Reagan-Moral Majority days, and it should be pretty apparent by now that the whole persecution complex thing is nothing more than a tactic to garner sympathy. Point 4 won’t happen, because we have freedom of religion in this country, and that’s not going anywhere. I know it may come as a surprise to some radical conservatives, but believing that the Constitution is a living document does not mean disregarding it entirely. And finally, my god, I wish public schools would include acceptance of LGBT people and their families in their life skills curricula! It would have made my own public school experience just a little bit less lonely and miserable, and might have cut down on the dozens of times per day I heard someone say “That’s so gay.” I wish that our society could collectively acknowledge that children raised in all different kinds of family configurations turn out okay, and that we could encourage all kids to take pride in their parents or guardians and their families. But heaven forbid kids should feel happy or safe or included! Maggie Gallagher doesn’t want them to!

As I sit and stare at my computer every day, only to read about radical right-wingers who think health care reform is akin to the Holocaust (even I, who so rarely identify with mainstream Jewish culture, am starting to get personally offended by that one), or that it is unconstitutional, or even something as comparatively minor as to compare the proposed House bill to the British or the Canadian systems, I find myself increasingly frustrated by the radical right’s propensity for simply making things up. I watch in open-mouthed shock as some senator or governor or talk-show host just says something that anyone with the barest rudiments of political awareness knows isn’t true—and yet it works! People believe it! They go and repeat it at town hall meetings! And Gallagher is doing the same thing here, just not with health care—with another issue that has a lot of emotional resonance and which it’s easy to scare people about. People are easily scared by threats that their Medicare will be taken away or that they’ll be brought before a “death panel,” because health care reform is a type of legislation that actually affects individual ordinary Americans. And so are people easily scared by threats that their straight marriages will be somehow less valid or that their religious beliefs will be challenged, because marriage and the family are personal things pertinent to individual ordinary Americans—despite what’s actually true. And it’s a frightening thing for a would-be academic to think that, in the democratic process, reason doesn’t always win out. The truth doesn’t always win out. The louder people attract more attention, regardless of whether they have the facts on their side. People keep on listening to the Maggie Gallaghers of the world, no matter how ridiculous they sound or what a moral stain their organizations’ offices are on perfectly lovely towns like Princeton, New Jersey.

(As a postscript: I am careful how I deal with the radical right now, because I don’t want to sink to the level that the radical right has sunk to when dealing with me. (By the way, YAF redesigned their website, and so the comments on that post got lost. They’re on a cached version of the page here.) However, I think my comments here have been more than fair-minded, and have focused on ideas and politics, not anyone’s appearance or age or gender. Making fun is fine, but it should be done in a way that focuses on the substantiated actions of people and the organizations they represent. But then, what standard of conduct should I expect from a movement that invokes genocide to describe a perfectly reasonable domestic policy proposal?)

UPDATE: More Maggie Gallagher being silly on national television here.

QOTD (2009-08-17)

From Human Rights’ Watch’s report on the horrible crimes committed against gay men in Iraq:

All the survivors of militia violence Human Rights Watch interviewed for this report identified themselves as “gay.” Some reflection on terminology and identity is necessary here. The use of “gay” in English to describe men who have emotional or sexual relationships with other men is relatively recent, emerging out of a North American subculture in the twentieth century. (“Homosexual” does not much predate it in European languages; the term was coined by an Austro-Hungarian doctor in 1869.)

All the survivors we interviewed told us they first heard “gay” with that purport after the US invasion in 2003. Most said it had come to Iraq through the Internet or Western media, particularly TV and films. Its use cuts across classes: a doctor and a high-school dropout each employed it in talking to us about themselves. The men integrated the English word seamlessly into Arabic speech. [emphasis mine] The recent deployment in Arabic of mithli (plural mithliyeen) as a neutral, non-condemnatory equivalent of “homosexual” in English has not taken strong root in Iraq. Most of the men, if they were familiar with it at all, said it was rare. “All of us use ‘gay’ among ourselves, never mithli,” a gay hospital employee told us. “Even doctors in speaking to each other won’t use the Arabic word for it—they’ll sometimes say ‘homosexual’ in English.”

It is vital to stress two points. First, the fact that the word comes from beyond Iraq’s borders does not point to anything imported or foreign about the phenomenon people use it to describe. To the contrary: the conduct called “homosexual”—desires, erotic acts, or emotional relationships between people of the same sex— has always existed in Iraqi society, as in all societies. A new name for it is, by itself, only a shift in vocabulary, not in values or behavior.

Yet at the same time, no one should assume that the word bears exactly the same connotations in Iraq as it does elsewhere. That homosexual conduct has happened everywhere does not mean people interpret it in the same way, or give it the same individual or collective meanings. […] Many gay Iraqis we interviewed implied that, for them, having a “gay” identity is at least as much about how “masculine” or “feminine” they see themselves as about the object of their desire. Gender—the accumulated distinctions that societies and cultures impose, to demarcate what is “proper” to men and to women—is an important axis along which they situate their self-understanding.

I posted here a passage about the construction of gay identity, because I found it interesting, and it relates directly to what I write about on this blog. However, I consider the true substance of the report, which describes the cruelty of those who have kidnapped, tortured and murdered men based on allegations and appearances, far more important than the above triviality. This report, with its graphic depictions of violence and torture and unchecked hate, is terrifying, and it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach and I am trying not to cry while I read it. I’m working on a related article for Campus Progress, so expect that later this week.

It’s important to note that this kind of violence skyrocketed after the US invasion. We as a country have so much in the past six years to answer for.

Story of My Life

I feel like Natania Barron must have been looking over my shoulder all throughout Montessori school, mainstream private elementary school, and mainstream public elementary, middle, and high school. In her article for Wired.com, “5 Tips for Raising Your Girl Geek,” she tells it like it is for us girls who never fit in:

Geek girls don’t watch the right shows. They don’t go to the right movies. They don’t listen to the right music. And unfortunately, pop culture provides the clues by which kids sort each other out; it’s almost as obvious as the clothes they wear. When I was younger, I loved “The X-Files”, Westerns and They Might Be Giants. I quoted Monty Python and the Holy Grail with my handful of guy friends, but certainly didn’t win points in the cool crowd. Often girl geeks fall into this odd no-man’s land. We are passionate about the things we like, but share them with very few. Especially in a high school or junior high-school setting. That can lead to teasing, isolation, and ultimately, depression. […]

Many young geeklets tend to be smart. Whether it’s math, science, English or art (or all of the above), young girl geeks will excel in something. And coupled with the geeky tendencies and often bookish nature, this doesn’t exactly contribute to popularity (not that they want to be popular, but you know what I mean). […]

There wasn’t always a culture of geek girls. We didn’t always have pride, solidarity and ironic 16-bit graphic t-shirts. And even some girls don’t realize they’re geeks at all. As such, they feel like they never fit in. Even though they assert they don’t want to be the crowd, they can’t help but feel on the outskirts. This can lead to a poor self-image, which is never a good thing. While popularity isn’t important, self-worth always is.

It’s refreshing to see honest discussion about what a hard time smart, outspoken, and different girls have in school, even to an audience as sympathetic as Wired‘s undoubtedly is. However, I felt a little unsure about one paragraph. I’ve been mulling over how to talk about my complicated relationship to gender identity in this space, because I think it’s an important thing to introduce to audiences not used to thinking about gender. Weirdly enough, a problematic-seeming graf in a Wired article gives me the jumping-off point:

There are more boy geeks than girl geeks. At least, that was my experience. And many geek girls discover more friends among guys than girls. This can lead to feeling of self-consciousness and a lack of connection with other girls. While this isn’t always a bad thing, I definitely had trouble making gal friends as I got older, and assumed there were so few geek girls that it wasn’t worth the trouble. Good, enduring relationships between girls are important, not just for your daughter’s social growth, but emotionally as well. Not to mention, having tons of guy friends can be an issue when dating starts…

Oh my god, is this ever the story of my life, but perhaps in a different way than Barron intends. I remember when I was in 8th grade, and begged my mom to take me to Target so I could buy my first pair of cargo shorts. I wanted to shed my outlandish Society for Creative Anachronism-style costumes so that I could fit in better with my boy-geek friends who were having difficulty processing the fact that a girl wanted to be “one of the guys.” In many respects, that desire has driven how I’ve related to my identity as a girl and eventually as a woman for the past eight years. But I do object to Barron’s assumption of her hypothetical girl-geek’s heterosexuality—particularly when most of the girl-geeks I know, I think, identify as gay or bisexual or amorphously queer, even if they have only ever dated men. And I don’t think that’s just a reflection of my little “rainbow bubble”: they have a relationship to their sexuality that they know is non-normative, because, as Barron’s article suggests, they feel so estranged from standard and accepted models of female sexuality and appearance.

In my sophomore and junior years of high school, I went through a period of really hating womanness and femininity. I pissed off a lot of my female friends and some of my feminist male friends as well, and it’s not a period of my intellectual development that I’m proud of. When one friend told me that he didn’t see me as a feminist, it was a wake-up call, and I started to adjust how I thought about gender, and to distinguish positive femininity from negative femininity, if that makes sense. Nevertheless, I have this lingering estrangement from being a woman, and this sense that perhaps it’s not particularly important to make friends who are girls just for the sake of making friends who are girls, or that it really doesn’t matter whether you have lots of friends who are boys when you’re old enough to be dating. At least, it’s no more important than having friends who are of different races or nationalities or socioeconomic backgrounds. After all, in my experience, my male friends are more likely to date men than I am.

But (and here comes the TMI part that I do nevertheless think it’s important to have a conversation about, because maybe others can relate, and this doesn’t really get talked about ever) I don’t really date women either. I may call myself a dyke, but amorphously queer and androgynous asexuality is more my style. My social skills with regard to patterns of gendered interaction have been knocked pretty well out of balance from many of years of trying to seek acceptance from and inclusion in the boy-geeks’ club. Feeling completely alienated from the fact that I am a woman plus the complete desexualization of myself and everyone I ever interact with (necessary to get into the boy-geeks’ club, you see—to not be seen as Woman and therefore foreign/threatening) does not a healthy relationship to sexuality and gender identity make.

I am so thankful that this subject is getting some attention from Wired, and hope that maybe the boy-geeks who read the magazine will realize what a threat they pose to the self-confidence of the girl-geeks who seek entrance into their world. But I’d like to see it addressed, too, in a manner that plays to non-normative sexualities and gender identities—possibly in a way that uses queer theory to explore this relationship to femininity and woman-esque gender identity. Anyone?